This is what inspired this whole series, the fact that first dates and interviews are both total bullshit. Both sides have an agenda, both sides are trying to look their best and we’ve already rehearsed the questions and answers. It’s the same song and dance every single time and at this point it’s hard not to be amused by the show.
Trust me, I’m a slut, more so in the restaurant industry but I’m also just a slut. I’ve been on way too many interviews and on just as many first dates and it’s left me a bit jaded and wiser. It’s a game, plain and simple yet it’s a game we all play so we might as well have some fun with it. With that in mind, here’s what you will need to be ready for.
Hi, how’s it going? /The intro
This is the first impression so make it count and make sure you smile but don’t be weird about it. There will be a few minutes of bullshit small talk and it’s a verbal distraction while both sides are scanning and judging the other person. Oh, and even if you’re having a shit day, say everything is great since no one wants to hear you cry at the first meeting.
So are you single right now? Are you currently working?
It’s the same question, just phrased different. With dating, most are single and if not, most lie about it. With jobs, its good to be currently employed, it means that you’re not stupid and desperate.
What makes you want to work here? Why do you want to fuck me?
Don’t say because you need and job or need to get laid. This is why you do your homework and get to know more about who you’re applying to. This is when you make them feel special and unique and after all, don’t we all want that?
What happened with your last job/relationship?
Be honest about it, but don’t talk shit, even if the person/place did you dirty, it only makes you sound bad. Don’t lie but keep it vague, respectful and light and don’t give any unnecessary details. If you do talk about it, talk about the positive and what you learned.
Please tell me have a life and friends, please tell me you have goals!! Even if your hobbies are a bit odd, having other interests is kind of a big deal. Yes, you will be judged on this but they’ve been judging you since you sat down. And for fucks sake, I get it, everyone loves hiking and going to shows…
What are your short term and long term goals?
Are you looking for marriage and kids or are you trying to finish this drink and fuck? Again, be honest with yourself and the people. Some (a lot) of people are only looking for short term and this is fine, it’s better than being led on. True, it might cost you the job but it’s been than either side getting their hopes up.
Words of advice
I’m dead serious about this. I haven’t been to an interview or on a first date in years sober for the simple fact that it calms my nerves and keeps me from looking too eager. Plus, I’m stoned all the time anyway and no one really notices so I might as well. But don’t get too stoned since this is one of the only times I’ll tell you to err on the side of caution.
Desperation is never sexy
Even if you’ve been out of work or on a six year dry spell, do not come off as desperate, it’s not sexy at all. If asked about the time explain it as you were working on yourself and looking for the right fit. Sell it as a positive. Do not say that no one will hire or fuck you since it makes you sound defective. If nobody else wants you, why would they?
It/they’re not special
They’re flawed and scared just like you. If you get a second date or a call back, awesome, if not keep looking until you find a fit. While you might think they’re the best thing ever, there’s at least one or two people who get nauseated at the thought of them.
Chemistry is key
It can’t be fought if it’s there nor can it be faked if it’s not. I’ve dated women who I didn’t think would give me the opportunity to even ask for the time of day simply because we had chemistry. At the same time I’ve sat with dates who sounded like a great match on paper yet neither of us were feeling it in person. Yeah, you might not be super qualified for the job but if you’re the right fit for the group, chances are you will get the gig
You’re always the one giving the interview
Even if you’re applying for a job or on a date with someone who is seemingly out of the league, you have to switch your attitude and be the one interviewing them. Don’t kiss ass and sound desperate and eager to please, make them show you why you should invest your time in them. Just don’t be an asshole about it.
Always be ready for the “working interview”
In job terms this means they might want to see your skills right then and this is why I bring my knives an a apron with me. In dating, this means that your going to hook up. Have your shit together in case this happens in either case.
Clean your bathroom
This is for the boys. On the off chance that the stars align and you get her back to your place, nothing will cockblock you faster than a dirty bathroom. Trust me, and I’m sure the ladies will back me up on this, keep your bathroom clean.