Did you fuck her? Did you?!?!

Did you fuck her? Did you?!?!

She was standing there screaming at me with the doors to the cafe wide open. Everyone in the Plaza could hear the whole thing and I swear I wasn’t trying to instigate and at the same time it was impossible for me to take things seriously.

By this point I had been living at her place for about two months and knew the bitch was nuts and that it was a bad situation. But damn if it wasn’t entertaining as hell. I was managing her coffee shop in a busy tourist area of the island as part of a work exchange which really meant I was getting screwed so I could live in Hawaii.

I’m not a bartender. The truth is that I really don’t like dealing with customers but when I have to, I take full advantage of the situation which is how I met *Alexis. I turned on the charm and we hit it off. When I ran into her a few days later it took very little effort thanks to a little thing I like to call chemistry.

We ended up making out on the beach and then ended up going back to my place to “cuddle”.

Yes, I knew the crazy boss lady bitch was hosting some Yoga retreat thing at the house. I was respectful of this fact. We came in super late and were as quiet as you can possibly be and left long before anyone else had woken up.

Not to sound like an ass but it was far from a good lay for various reasons but it was still a win I needed in what was turning out to be a shit situation. It was a nice confidence booster.

The plan was to take the bus to downtown and part ways so I could get the cafe opened and all would be right with the world.

I forgot about the tropical storm. Turns out it wasn’t a big deal but it shut down the busses so we decided to walk to downtown and this is where things get weird.

Owner bitch rolls up with her boy toy in tow and offered to give us a ride. It wasn’t an offer so much as a demand phrased to sound like a polite question.

As soon as the introductions finished she started on a passive aggressive rant attacking me from every angle, my character, my food, nothing was off limits. I had warned *Alexis about her and was able to take things in stride with a smile on my face. It was a matter of choosing my battles so I played the game knowing that, well, she was fucking nuts.

Had we walked I would have been ten minutes late. Not because I had been out playing the night before mind you, but because we had a tropical storm coming in which is why most businesses were fucking closed that day anyways.

After she dropped us off I apologized to Alexis for the bullshit and thanked her for a great night, both of us knowing it was only going to be one night. Then the owner bitch starts texting me but I was too busy opening her cafe to bother answering. My thoughts were that she was on a rampage and it was best to let her blow up my phone than trying to deal with her directly.

This only pissed her off more.

One thing I’ve learned about crazy is that there are two ways to deal with them but trying to reason with them is not one of them, it doesn’t work. You either have to fight crazy with more crazy which I’m great at or you just ignore it, which I try to do but fail at more often than not.

I knew it was bad when she pulled up literally blocking traffic to the parking lot, something she did on a semi regular basis to remind people she was a neurotic cunt. I should have taped it. I really wish I had.

I braced myself. I knew the ugly was coming. She kept her cool at first, asking the basics, knowing the answers but looking for fuel.

“Who was that? Did she stay the night?”

I answered truthfully without giving away any unneeded details which led to more questions about what had transpired. I kept my cool, trying to be a pro and smiling as I finished opening the cafe as if everything was cool.

Her tone started to change, her voice became raised and the questions became more personal and finally she started screaming at me.

“Did you fuck her!?!?!? Did you!?!?”

She was so pissed off at this point that it was impossible to be intimidated by her and I was stoned and having a hard time keeping my shit together. I could only grin and respond “Yeeeeeahhh”

“What the fuck were you thinking? How could you? Did you think it was okay to bring that slut into my home!?!?”

Anyone hearing this from the outside would be fully right in assuming that it was two lovers on the verge of breaking up, not a business owner talking to her Manager.

What I was thinking was that I missed pussy and needed to get laid. It was pretty easy really. And yes, I did think that it was okay to bring that “slut” home.

First off, this chick was in her late 40’s and the Yoga only did so much to hide this. In order to “get her groove back” she started fucking a kid who was 23 and too stupid to realize what was going on. I’m not judging, I was boy toy when I was his age too and it was awesome, I’m stating this so you understand why I thought it was okay to bring the “slut” over.

Oh, and there was also the fact that one of the other Baristas that worked at the cafe was also living there and she was fucking the instructor for the Yoga retreat at the house.

So yes, I thought it was okay to bring the “slut” over.

She then left in a rage, peeling out of the parking lot and I walked out to smoke a spliff and figure out if what had just happened was really real. I was met with a slow clap building to a round of applause from the staff at the parasailing place who had witnessed everything.

What’s the moral of the story kids?

First off, always keep a separation of Church and State. Keep your personal and professional life as separate as possible. Always wear a condom. And when you see crazy coming, keep your calm, try to film it and step away slowly…….

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