The handy guide to eating out

Everyone loves to eat out and most people eat out more often then they cook at home, but unlike at home, there are certain rules people need to follow, certain points of etiquette that make things some much more enjoyable for everyone. Most people just assume they know what they’re doing and the majority of you don’t. My staff and I, we want you to come in and enjoy yourself, we want you to be able to relax and experience all we have to offer, we want you to brag to your friends about how good it was and we want you to come back for more. If you know what your doing, we will blow your mind, if you act a fool bad things might happen. Please, pay attention.

TIP:

Tip your Chef with weed

This is the easiest one to remember but it’s the first one that most people forget when they eat out. My servers, seasoned pro’s or stupid cocktail waitress, run there asses off for you. They make next to nothing hourly and they depend on you to pay for gas and food. They kiss your ass, they put up with my temper and your stupid demands, they work hard. Even if you’re a total dick, if you TIP well, most all can be forgiven. If you got bad service, still TIP at least 10% because there’s good chance that you don’t know the full story, the Kitchen may have been busy, your server may have gotten several tables at once, etc. Its not always their fault and they do want you to leave satisfied. If you get great service, let it be know both verbally and with monetary compensation. Tell em how good they are and then tip 30% and I promise you that the next time you come in you’ll get five star service, even if we’re busy as hell on a weekend rush. Servers develop clients just like Bartender’s and we know what you like and if you take care of them they will take care of you. Don’t argue over a TIP, if your too drunk to do the math and figure out what 15% of your bill is ( the average tip) then do yourself and us a favor and just err on the side of a few bucks more.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Let me tell you what it means to me. To put it nicely people in this industry put our hearts and souls into this business. We work insane hours, we work holidays, we deal with stress that would break a normal person. And yet for reason the public at large seems to think that working as a server or a Chef is somehow low class. When you come in to enjoy my establishment, please take the time to consider that this place didn’t just create itself. The menu didn’t write itself, the staff didn’t train themselves. A good restaurant is living work of Art, it is a place where life is both celebrated and renewed. More time and energy, more blood sweat and tears, more sleepless nights then you want to know about have gone into that place. We are not there because we’re a bunch of slacker druggies, we’re there because we love what we do, we’re there by choice. Show respect to me and my staff, we’ve earned it.

What time is it?

Use some sense when it comes to your timing. Yes, most people want to eat out on the weekends and I know that this is going to be a busy time and will do my best to make sure that I’m ready to handle the volume. Things are going to be hectic and I might not be able to give you my full attention. Want to be worshiped ? Come in on a Tuesday night and be able to relax and really get the full experience.

Call ahead.

If it’s Friday, hell, if it’s Tuesday and you and more then 6 people want to go out to eat please let us know at least 20 minutes before you come in. We want you to come in, we want you to have a good time and spent a ton of cash. We also want to be prepared to serve you. If you call and let us know, we can make sure that your table is ready, that the staff is ready and that you don’t have to wait.

Late nights:

Contrary to popular belief I do have a life outside of the Kitchen. This being said, if my place closes at 10pm and you and a table walk in at 9:45, I’m going to get pissed. I know we stay open until the stated time but what you fuckers don’t get is that unlike a bank or a gas station, I can’t do business and then close and be done. I have to keep my staff and make sure that you get the same level of excellence that you would expect.

Don’t:

Modify your order to where it’s nothing like the original dish, I don’t mind small substitutions but I wrote the menu for a reason. Things are pared and for reason, you’re not the center of the universe. Don’t think that you can take the sauce from one dish and the side from another and have it served with the special. Fuck you, I hate this.

Don’t:

Ever disrespect one of my girls. If my waitress comes back to me in tears it’s not going to end well for you. I’m the only one who gets to make em cry

Don’t:

Think that I’m making chicken tenders special for your kid because I don’t  have a kids menu. Ether the little shit can eat real people food or you can take the hint as far as why I don’t have a kids menu ( because we’re not a family joint?)

I’m sure there’s a few more and that I will be reminded of this at work sometime this week but the point is that I want to please you. Please help me to please you by following the preceding and enjoy the next time you spend the night going downtown to eat out.

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