Bidet mates

Yet another thing I never thought I’d type again. I just used a Bidet… and I will never be the same 

So what had happened was… 

My roommate is. He’s a special guy who tends to, much like me, acts on rather odd impulse. Hell if I know what spurred the idea but a few weeks ago he showed me the link and said “Duuude, I am so getting this!!!”. Okay, cool whatever. 

Two days ago he told me this life changing device has been shipped to his parents. I still didn’t see the big deal but if it makes my friend happy, of course I’m gonna support him. We got the box, brought it home and, much to my surprise, he took the time to actually read the instructions before just jumping in and trying to install it. It was clear that he meant business. 

So what is this thing?

It’s a magic place to poop, that’s what it is. Well, actually it’s a replacement seat for your toilet that has some pretty trippy features such as a heated seat, pulsating water jet and a blow dryer. Yes, it blows dries your butthole. 

It connects to the water line behind your toilet and, if your not a slacker, you can install it in less than 30 minutes with a wrench. On a remodeling scale, it’s a two on a scale of ten and the instructions are pretty self explanatory once you read em. 

Why is it worth it? 

The one he got was like $250 you can get em with less features or, you can spend a grand or more on one of the super luxury models. They all spray your ass clean, it’s just how they go about it that’s different. Either way, you’re spending a little more on water (not much) but you’re saving money on toilet paper while also saving a few trees. We have three people living here plus regular overnight guests so it adds up quickly and, trust me, the last thing you want to run out of is TP when you have a chick stay the night. Oh yeah, this thing covers them too with a front jet. 

So what was it like? 

I’ll admit I was a total skeptic. We got it installed last night and both roommates came out of the bathroom like they had talked to angels. But seriously, how great could it be?

I woke up this morning and took a piss while I made coffee. Other than the remote control, it doesn’t look much different than a regular seat. The jets hide inside until needed so nothing is sticking out. I went outside, had my coffee and a few smokes then I felt the daily rumble. 

First of all, the heated seat was unexpected but far more enjoyable. While most of the time a warm toilet seat means prior use, this was like sitting on grandmas lap. It was warm and welcoming like a hug. I didn’t feel rushed at all, instead I was overwhelmed by the sense of relaxation. Oh, but this was only the opening act getting me ready for the headliner. 

You want to stand up and go for the toilet paper but instead you reach for the remote, because we’re living in the future. It was early and the first cup of coffee doesn’t count, I wasn’t really in the mood to figure out new tech. Fortunately, it’s a very intuitive, user friendly system. I had to adjust my position to get the jets to hit right but it turns out I they’re adjustable, along with the temperature and pressure. 

The best way to describe it is like the first time you get your ass licked. Don’t act like I’m weird, most of you know exactly what I’m talking about and you know it’s awesome. My first thought was “Hey hey hey, what the fuck, wow….okay, this is kinda nice.”. It’s quick, quiet and does a very thorough job. 

After the water jets, you get the air dryer which is a nice close to the hole experience. I know at some point you’re supposed to flush butt I was still slightly skeptical. I had to double check things traditional way. It was like wiping my arm only not as hairy. 

Not only did it do its job, it exceeded all expectations. It’s the difference between hitchhiking and flying first class. It’s the difference between missionary on prom night and doing blow and mushrooms with a hippie chick. It takes a routine function of human existence and turns it into a daily baptism that leaves you feeling fresh and reborn, ready to face the day. 

In closing 

Even when you close the lid, it doesn’t just fall and slam, it slowly eases down silently with intention and grace. Aliens engineered this device, the human mind is incapable of such gradur. 

I wanted to see it in action but it’s got some kind of skin sensor so it won’t work unless you’re sitting on it. When not in use, the water jets are super heated and flushed to make sure things stay sanitary and hygienic. No detail is left unaddressed. 

Mortals sit down on this and legends rise. 

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