I hate your kids as much as you hate me smoking….

While they might seem different, both cigarettes and kids have a lot in common. You can scream at me about how children are our future and I’ll tell you to you’re face that we’re a virus on this planet and deserve to die while I roll a smoke and laugh at you for taking the following seriously at all. Lighten the fuck up and have a laugh. 

They’re both choices. 

I made the choice to start smoking when I was younger and dumber and I could have stopped before I got addicted but I didn’t. You could have stopped fucking before someone busted a nut and got knocked up. We both knew the risks of our behaviors and thought that we were going to be the exception to the rule. 

I make the choice to keep smoking because while it might annoy the fuck out of most, it brings me happiness and joy. You keep having kids because you’re a fucking idiot with a weak pullout game. But sure, keep telling yourself you love em and that it’s not a chemical response thats been developed over millions of years of evolution. 

They’re expensive as fuck. 

Even if you only have one kid or don’t smoke much, it adds up quickly. I don’t want to think about how much money I’ve wasted on em over the years but then again, how much cash have you thrown down on Paw Patrol shit? 

Let’s not forget about food and clothes and all the other BS that goes with having kids. At the same time, I’d hate to think about how much cash I’ve dropped just on Bic lighters over the past 30 years. 

They both smell like ass. 

Kids by nature, are nasty as hell even in the best of circumstances and, as a result, they stink. Just like cigs. Now, over time, you get used to it and it doesn’t bother you and I’ll admit I don’t smell the smoke as often, but from an outsider it’s bad. 

Nope, mints and diffusers don’t make much difference at all. Even if you’re like me and smoke outside, you and your place still smell like smoke. Same with kids, you just smell weird. 

You have to take care of em first thing in the morning. 

Yep, my morning consists of waking up, making coffee, taking a piss and rolling a spliff while it brews and then I step outside, I take a good hit and I get real high and scream from the top of my lungs WHAT’S GOING ON?!?!?! My neighboors hate me…..

Then I go check my email and blah blah blah. With kids you have to make sure they’re not dead, then you have to feed em and no no no, I don’t even want to think about that level of hassle. I’m great at running Kitchens but I’m barely functional as an adult, I won’t even own a dog at this point and sure as shit am not fit to be a parent. It’s not that I couldn’t step up and be responsible, it’s that I just don’t want to be. 

They annoy the piss out of others. 

If I’m sitting on a park bench by myself, enjoying a smoke alone, it’s certain that some motherfucker is going to come and give me dirty looks for the choices I’ve made. Honestly, fuck em, same with you and your kids. You see me, you see what I’m doing. If I’m smoking a joint and talking shit to someone on the phone, I’m not going to alter my behavior because you have a problem with it. Walk around…..

They take a lot of time and energy. 

No matter what else you have going on, in the back of your mind, you’re always thinking about it. When am I going to get another smoke? How many do I have left? Are the kids alive? Is someone picking them up from one place and taking them to another place? Did I remember to feed them? 

It’s really non stop and when you travel, it makes it that much more of a hassle since you have to constantly deal with it. You have to make sure that wherever your staying is cool with not only you but the fact that you’re bringing this with you. 

You tend to socialize with others who share the same dilemma. 

If you smoke, most of the time you hang out with other smokers, even if you can’t stand em. Apparently it’s the same thing from what I can tell with parents. It seems like a lot of you hate eachother but yet you play nice for the sake of your kids. I’m not judging, I’ve had a whole lot of interesting and memorable conversations with some immensely strage people that I would never have otherwise interacted with, except for the fact that I needed a light. In a way, this is almost a good thing since it forces us out of our comfort zone but it can be a bit taxing. 

Now now, calm the fuck down. 

I know a whole bunch of you ignored the opening paragraph, skimmed the headings and are now up in arms, butthurt and in the comment section. Let’s get this clear, this article is written as a lighthearted parody. While I don’t have kids of my own, I’m the “Cool Uncle” to a few kids and yes, people allow me around children since they know what the difference between what I write and how I act. I’m far more well-mannered in person than you would expect. Second, my time with smoking is coming to an end. At least tobacco, certainly not weed, I’ll never stop smoking weed. I’m in good health but could be doing better and it’s time to give it up so whatever……

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