Saying goodbye to Tilly

Of course it was Friday the 13th, why the hell not? It’s strange how things work out this way. I don’t plan on making a whole lot of sense since I haven’t been able to eat or sleep since I found out. Right now I can hardly see straight.

Kidney failure

To her credit, my ex has gone out of her way to do everything in her power to give Tilly the best life she could have. Tilly is 13 and no matter how much you love something, at some point, it’s going to end. There’s nothing the vets or my ex or any shamen can do. By the time most of you are reading this, she will be moving on from this world.

It was only two years

Tilly was only in my life for two years which I get it, for most of you, that doesn’t sound like a long time. For me and the lack of stability I’ve had in my life, that’s a long time for me to have a skateboard let alone a living creature that depended on me to not be a total fuck up.

My Old Man wasn’t my biological father but that doesn’t change the fact that love is love is love. Loss is loss. It’s simple math.

It’s too easy to be petty

Oddly enough, I posted this over a week ago on Instagram

For very valid reasons I am pissed and it would be too easy to lash out or “set the record straight” as I’d like to think I could justify it. At the same time, it’s not going to fix Tilly’s kidneys or do anything but cause more pain and drama. At one point I’d have handled things differently but the past year, it’s humbled me. As hard as it is, I can say with all seriousness that I’m praying for my ex despite everything. I’m not saying this to sound cool or look good, I’m saying this because I’ve lost my stomach for the pointless bullshit.

I’m in shock

I tried to go ride today. I made it a few miles, pulled over and started crying uncontrollably in the middle of nowhere. It’s part of the process. I loved Tilly and I knew from the start that this day was going to come. I know that at some point, either I’ll get the call about one of my best friends or, they might get the call about me. This ain’t by any means the first time I’ve watched as Death took something I loved and no, it doesn’t get easier. Every time is like a sucker punch you’re never ready for even when you’re expecting it.

Thank you Tilly

Thank you for showing me what real, unconditional love was. Thank you for teaching me to put others needs in front of my own. Thank you for all the mornings you sat with me on the couch and listened to me ramble when no one else would. Thank you for being a part of my life, ever so briefly and allowing me a taste of the normality. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there in person with you but, lets face it, your mom, my ex, would have me arrested on sight. You’re taking a big piece of my heart with you.

PS, Look on the bright side girl, no more cone of shame.

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