Cook like you fuck… Explained

Cook like you fuck… Explained

Cook like you fuck….

It’s something I’ve been screaming for years and yet I don’t think I’ve ever taken the time to really explain it. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, it’s unorthodox and goes against the regimented discipline of culinary tradition. Not my  problem.

It’s not just a cool catch phrase either, it’s a philosophy I live my life on. I’m an unabashed hedonist, I live for pleasure and giving pleasure to others. I’ve also been in Kitchens long enough to not give a fuck about what people  think about.

So let’s try to keep it simple.

The old school teaches precision and consistency. I’m not bashing this and in fact, having a solid foundation in the core methods will only help you to be creative. The thing is, the old school is a bit too rigid for my style. 

My least favorite question.

“Oh, you’re a Chef? What’s your favorite thing to cook?”. Every fucking time….

Here’s the thing, I don’t care. Seriously, I really don’t give a shit what I’m cooking as long as the customer is blown away by what I serve. I’m not cooking for me, it’s all about them and exceeding their expectations. I hate making Reubens but if I’m going to make one, I’m going to make sure the bread is perfectly toasted, the cheese is melted and the rest of the components work together. I want my customer to have a religious experience when they take the first bite.

But how does this relate to fucking?

Glad you asked, time to get a bit graphic. I’ve been with enough women to know that each one has different needs and kinks and desires. The truth is that it doesn’t really take much to get me off. My biggest thrill is making my partner cum harder then she ever has. Some like to be spanked, some want it a bit on the soft side, I’m game for anything as long as they’re enjoying it. The only way I can do this is through communication and paying attention. Men know this, Chefs know this. Posers fuck up things for the rest of us.

Real cooking and great sex are rarely planned.

This is why I always keep my knives and condoms in my bag at all times. No, I’m not joking. Some of the best meals I’ve ever cooked have been at some strangers place in the middle of the night. No rules, no expectations. Stoned enough to be in the flow but still focused and graceful. There’s no thought while I’m cooking in this state, I’m completely in the moment. I’m working on a strange stove and figuring it out as I go and every time what is put on plate turns out to be way better than anything I could have come up with

Same with great sex. You’re in the moment, you’re connected. Space and time and the outside world cease to exist. You’re not planning it, it’s pure substance without structure.

So how do you do this?

Wow… I really have to explain this? Okay….

You have to pay attention to everything, you have to be fully present in the moment. You have to be able to stay in the flow, in unison with your partner and what you’re working with. But you can’t overthink it, in fact, if you’re thinking at all, you’re already getting in your own way. You have to get out of your own way and it’s almost a transcendental state but once you have a taste of it, it becomes a drug and you crave the fix.

When you’re cooking at home for yourself and your lover you have the freedom to do this. You don’t have rules or limitations, you’re not restricted by menus and morons.

A good Chef can follow a recipe but it takes talent and passion to walk into the unknown, adapt and still make magic. It takes practice but what the fuck else are you doing?

One final note on the subject

I was surprisingly able to make a living as a musician and painter for a while but the problem with both was twofold. I was never really able to connect to either medium and both where limited in how they resonated with the audience.

Food is different. Food doesn’t have limits. 

Cooking/eating and sex are the only two things that engage all six senses simultaneously.

Ponder it for a moment and you’ll see it’s gospel.

Stop making excuses, life is far too short for boring sex and mediocre food. If you’re going to cook, cook! Stop looking at it like a chore, stop taking fucking shortcuts. Guys, take the time to seduce your girl and make her feel special. Make every meal and moment count.


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