Diets and Allergies

One thing I’ve always had to deal with in the industry, something I have always had to keep in mind with dealing with customers is the fact that a lot of you have either very strange dietary restrictions that are self-imposed ( Religion is a choice) and some equally strange food allergies that are not a choice.The key difference is that Diet is a matter of choice whereas an Allergy is a medical condition.

Okay, fine, you want to buy into some bullshit that a bunch of nomadic sheepherders said a few thousand years ago when we still wiped our asses with our hands then fine, go for it, buddy. It doesn’t make much sense to me but it’s your choice. But please, when you come into my restaurant, don’t be a fucking dick to my staff because they don’t know what dishes are “_____” friendly since most of them are not the brightest people and none of them are theology scholars.

You should be able to read the menu and figure it out. And while I’m all about customers service, if you’re an ass about it then your out of luck.I had an incident last summer in Yellowstone where we had a family of ” Orthodox Jewish” people (fuck I hope that’s the PC term, I can’t keep up with this shit) who had their Kosher meals pre-made and shipped to where they were staying since they were on a big time cross-country trip. The night they stayed at our Lodge the Managers informed us of this and I raised hell because it was bullshit and let me tell you why. I’ll be the first to tell you that I don’t know much about the Jewish faith but what little I know about the faith and Kosher diets is this. They don’t fuck around and the food must be prepared in a Kosher Kitchen and follow some very strict guidelines. The one thing I knew for sure was that neither my Kitchen nor my staff was Kosher so I did what I always do when I see bullshit; I call it out. The second we opened the box and touched the food it was no longer considered Kosher and I didn’t want these good people to burn in hell for eternity over a simple mistake. The managers didn’t find this funny. They found it even less funny when I held a prayer circle around the box to pray that God would forgive his people and keep the food pure and Holy despite the fact that a bunch of Stoner assholes where cooking it. They tried to call me anti-semitic but I was trying to point out how stupid the idea was, and also trying to save their ass in case this whole religion thing isn’t total bullshit. My Kitchen is cleaner than most Doctors offices and I treat it as a holy space to create with life but just in case……..

To the best of my knowledge, no one got struck down by a pissed off God.

I wish this was a joke but this chick was serious

Then we have food allergies and this is not a matter of choice. It sucks to be limited to what you can an cannot eat since it means you miss out on a lot of really tasty stuff. I myself am allergic to Seafood. I can handle it and cook it without an issue, I just can’t eat it and as a result, I don’t like the smell unless its FRESH. It sucked growing up back east on the Chesapeake Bay with all the world-class edibles right there and not being able to enjoy it. But for a lot of people, even small amounts of a substance can set off a major life-threatening reaction. This (is why I have to stay more or less up to date and be able to remember exactly what I put into a dish.

Granted, a little bit of dairy for someone who’s lactose intolerant wont kill them, but for someone with a peanut allergy, it could be bad, like I won’t joke about it bad.Even when I cook at home for people, I always find out if anyone has food allergies cause there are very few people I really want to see suffer before they die, and none of them are worth doing time over.

The people who piss me the fuck off are the third type.The assholes who treat there diet like its an allergy.Macro, Micro, Vegan, organic bio bullshit !!!! Its these stupid motherfuckers that don’t know a God damn thing about diet or nutrition who act like fucking gurus because they have jumped on the bandwagon of some new trendy diet and insist that I’m a savage since I don’t pay attention. Since these are not the type to read this book, I can talk shit.

Okay, first off, organic is not special and it doesn’t give you super powers or make your shit smell like roses. Most of these people really don’t know the facts, they don’t know the definitions of the terms they use and they don’t have any real research to back up there claims.

Taking a shot at Vegans is too easy, most of them are like college girls who mess around with other girls cause it’s a phase but who always go back to the cock at the end of the day.

Granted, I have always said that the American diet of Meat and Potatoes is bullshit as well, and even when I compose a new Dish, I keep the proteins in balance with the rest of the components and try to not make it the center. But don’t give me shit because I have opposable thumbs and the intelligence to use em to kill and eat something slower, smaller and dumber than I am.

Would I ever label an item as “Vegan” or ” Organic” on my menu unless I was 100% sure that I could back up those claims? No, why would I? Am I the type of guy to use chicken stock in a “vegetarian ” dish just to be a dick? No, that’s just not cool. Please keep in mind what I’m trying to do as a Chef running a small business. I’m here to serve you.I’ve worked at a ton of places over the years, bars, bistro’s, hotels, BBQ joints and each of them is focused on attracting a certain type of client. A strip club is NOT going to have a children’s menu ( you laugh but I’ve had to deal this question) any more then a Pizza place is going to serve Pork Fried Rice. My point is that while I do want to keep things broad as possible and give people a wide range of choices, please don’t flip out that I don’t have something that fits the dietary restrictions of some new age bullshit fad you just heard about on NPR.

If there’s something that will make you sick, please let me know. But if its a matter of choice then please keep an open mind and know that regardless of what I work with, I show everything I touch total love and respect and regard creation as holy, so fuck you, Hippy.

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