Yeah, it’s been a blur but it’s been a fun one and even though I wasn’t paying attention the whole time, I still picked up a few things that might help you out. Enjoy.
- Dishwashing will keep you humble.
All great Chefs start in the pit and work their way up. I don’t care if you just graduated from culinary school and already have your knife tattooed on your arm, you go and pay your dues in the pit for a while before you get to touch a knife. The people who don’t spend time in the pit tend to turn out arrogant and are a nightmare to work with.
- Servers are easy to bribe with food.
It’s really simple, you take care of them, they’ll take care of you. If you know you’re going into a busy night, bring a few bags of candy and watch the tension drop by 20%. If they’re hungry, feed em.
- Most restaurant owners are clueless.
One of the biggest reasons places fail is the fact that most owners have no experience in the industry. They have no idea how to handle the shit that hits the fan on a regular basis. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to explain things like “You have to have a separate disposal company for the used grease.” If you haven’t worked in the industry for at least a decade, you have no business owning a bar or restaurant and if you have, you probably don’t want to own one.
- Full moon on the weekend means shits gonna be weird.
I know what the statistics say but, as someone who’s been around, I can tell you that while the number of events might not fluctuate, the weirdness factor doubles.
- Expensive knives become paperweights if you don’t take care of em.
You can have a hand-forged piece of Japanese steel that has been quenched in the blood of a dragon but, if you don’t take care of it, it’s worthless. If you’re going to buy a knife, buy a honing steel and a sleeve, otherwise it’s going to be useless in a few months.
- Get it in writing.
Promises are nice but, if they’re not willing to put it in writing and sign a contract, their word is worthless. Yes, I’ve been burnt by owners claiming I’d get a bonus if I hit certain goals in terms of sales or food cost only for the owner to change their mind or move the mark. If it’s not in writing your fucked.
- Avoid booze but cannabis is your friend.
This might not work for everyone but I’m telling you right now that my life got better when I stopped drinking. The industry is plagued by addiction and it can get nasty. Do what works for you but, if you can’t make it through a shift without a drink, you have a problem.
- Any dude can make a reservation, skill is making a better meal at home.
I may not be friendly or pretty but I can cook like a demon and this has made me stand out in a sea of fuckboys over the years.
- Pellet smokers are garbage.
I know I’m going to catch shit for this but it’s a hill I will gladly die on. I grew up in the South and smoking Pork is an art. Either use real wood or get the fuck out of here and don’t even get me started on that shit they call “Liquid smoke”.
- Don’t sleep with your staff.
I can scream this from the top of a mountain and you’re still going to ignore this. Yeah, it’s fun at first, a lot of fun and everyone does it, but you’re going to get burnt and chances are it’s going to bring a lot of drama in your life that you don’t need.
- Take care of your delivery drivers.
Get em a drink, make em a sandwich, let em use the restroom, whatever. These folks bust their ass for you and make sure you have what you need to do your job. Plus, they know what’s going on in every other place in the area so, if you can get friendly with em, you’ll know more than your competition.
- You can be fired at any time for the dumbest reasons you can’t imagine.
Labor laws are great but the system is failed and owners will do whatever they can to find a loophole. Honestly, most of the time it’s pointless to fight and most of these shady bastards will end up losing everything in a few years so just move on to a better place and let karma do it’s thing.
- You will have to compromise.
It’s going to suck but you’re going to have to take it on the chin from time to time and choose your battles. I’ve had to serve lots of stuff that I wasn’t thrilled because ultimately, I’m not the one signing the checks.
- You’re never too good to take out the trash or mop the floor.
And if you think you are, you’re a fucking prick. This is a team sport and everyone on the team needs to be willing to do whatever the hell is required to keep things running. I absolutely will not work for anyone who thinks they’re too good to do the nasty. Same thing if I have someone on staff who thinks “It’s not my job”. I’ll have one conversation and they’ll either change the attitude or they’ll be looking for another job.
- Bacon grease is liquid gold
If you’re from the South, you already know. For the rest of you, it’s a great cooking medium since it’s got a smoke point of 325 and packs a lot of flavor. Save it and use it to sauté with.
- You’ll never get used to the smell of the grease trap.
For those who don’t work in the industry, a grease trap is a box buried under the sink that stops the grease from going down the drain and clogging the pipes. Imagine a porta potty that’s been outside at a summer music festival for a week in Kentucky; that smells like a rose garden compared to a grease trap. And yes, you have to open it from time to time to clease it out. Just the thought of this makes me nauseous.
- If Red Bull starts to taste good, stop drinking em.
Red Bull is not supposed to be delicious; it tastes weird for a reason. If you start enjoying the taste of em, you’re drinking too many of em. For the record I’m pointing the finger at myself.
- Food shows are fun.
No, I’m not just talking about the ones that the big distribution companies put on to show off their 4 dozen varieties of chicken tender. Chances are there’s an upcoming coffee or chocolate festival coming up somewhere nearby and these are great places to learn about new ingredients and get connected with other people in the industry.
- You’ll never master food or cooking.
The idea of a “Master Chef” is complete bullshit. Listen, food has endless possibilities. I’ve been doing this for over three decades and there’s still a whole bunch of stuff that I’ve never gotten to play with let alone had a chance to get good at. Keep your ego in check.
- Buy a rice cooker
Seriously, you can get one for $30 and it makes perfect rice every time. And I hate to break it to you but most Sushi Chefs use em because of their consistency. I get it, from time to time you might want to do it on the stove but just trust me on this one.
- Garlic doesn’t belong in everything.
I love garlic and I’m not talking shit about it, when used properly. The problem is that it’s used so excessively that it overpowers the rest of the flavors in the dish.
- Customers will complain about the dumbest shit on earth.
Prime example? I had a guy complain that we didn’t have a kids’ menu, a fucking strip club. Need I say more?
- Do yoga daily, or you will suffer.
This ain’t a joke and I wish I had started a decade earlier. The Kitchen will fuck up your back and knees and the best thing you can do to prevent injury is to be proactive and take 10 minutes before your shift to do some basic stretching and breathing exercises. Plus you get the added benefit of getting centered.
- The loudest guy in the room is often the biggest fraud.
I know because I’ve been this asshole who acted like I knew more than I did because of my own insecurities. Thanks to karma, I’ve also had to deal with a few of these people as well. Don’t give em your energy; just let em run their mouth till they run out of steam.
- Sysco is the devil.
I’m just going to post this link and leave it at that.
- Working on a line is just like being in a band.
Everyone has their role and the key is getting everyone to work together in sync as one unit just like musicians in a band. This also means that, while they don’t have to like each other, they do have to respect each other.
- Most people burn out after a decade.
You have to be wired differently to last, let alone thrive in the Kitchen and most people just can’t take the heat. There’s nothing wrong with this either, I’m not built to fly fighter jets but I ain’t losing sleep over it.
- You can’t be a bigot in the Kitchen.
Not if you truly respect food, since cooking is really a study of cultures and history. You have no business making tacos if you’re using slurs against the people who created them.
- You’re only as good as your last plate.
I don’t give a shit what the local paper said about you or what magazine you’re on the cover of, the only thing that matters is the plate right in front of you. The minute you stop pushing yourself, it’s game over. You always want to ask yourself if you can make it cooler, better, more awesome. You need to send out every plate as if it was going out to that person you’ve been crushing on for years and this plate is your chance, ya dig?
- Michelin is a fucking joke.
Twenty years ago, I wouldn’t have said this since back then, they had standards and integrity but now that they’ve partnered with Sysco, they have lost all credibility in my opinion. If I had stars right now I’d be fucking pissed.
- Most places don’t live up to the hype.
I’m not trying to be a dick but most people who are hyping up places don’t have enough experience to know the difference between quality and marketing gimmicks.
- Farmers’ markets are your friend.
Anytime I need inspiration for some new ideas I twist up a joint and go take a walk around the local farmers market (after I smoke) and just let the sights and smells play with my senses until I find something of interest. It’s also a great way to get to know the people who grow the food you feed your customers.
- Find good repair people.
This isn’t a joke, your ice machine is going to break at the worst possible time and you need to have someone you trust who will come fix it on the fly. Feed them well and treat them like gold because these folks will save your ass.
I wasn’t sure I’d be able to come up with 33 things but there ya go. I’m sure if I really sat with this for a while, I’d come up with a few more.
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