Please flex harder, (an open letter to the alt right)

Please flex harder, (an open letter to the alt right)

Dear members of the inbred alt-right,

If you want to talk shit you need to bring your A game. You’re not dealing with your normal social justice warrior with a degree in liberal arts, you motherfuckers are dealing with a Chef. A Scottish Chef at that. 

The point is, you guys are pathetic. You wouldn’t last a night in a Kitchen, you’d sneak out the back door in tears by 8:30. I mean come on, I get it, you hate me for speaking in favor of equal rights. God forbid you guys have to finally stop lynching anything that doesn’t look, think and pray just like you. Tragic I know, suck it up and go cry in your double wide, your mobile home, not your girlfriend since I see your confusion. 

You’re pissed off and scared, hey, in reality we both are. I’m trying to use my voice to inspire and bring people together, most of the time. Unfortunately, no matter what I post it’s going to inevitably piss off a few people. This time, as a result of speaking up for liberty and justice for ALL, I’ve gotten under your skin. Oh no, what will I ever do. 

Your goal I guess, is to waste your time and energy trying to what, piss me off and make me cry? I’m high as fuck right now and I can’t see the logic. In regards to accomplishing anything, it’s been a bigger failure than my marriage. You gotta do better guys!!! Come on, am I not worth the effort? Half of you can’t form complete sentences and the other half lose your shit when confronted with facts and resort to petty name calling. 

Oh if I had a dime. 

For every time one of you morons calls me a meth head. Really? Seriously, you don’t think I’ve heard this like 10,000 times by now? You really think that having some no name troll on the internet call me a tweaker is going to slow my role in the slightest? You guys….. You guys are adorable. 

For my fans peace of mind, nope, I’ve never done meth or crack or heroine. I smoke weed daily, I smoke cigarettes and I drink coffee. Given the chance, I gobble down mushrooms and acid in an instant but I can’t do Cocaine anymore because it fucks up my sinuses. Hell, I don’t even really drink alcohol that often. 

I’ve weighed between 140-150 since I was 17 regardless of where I’ve lived or how active I am. Yeah, I’m a skinny motherfucker but I still get laid since I’m not a total douchebag. 

If anything, hit me in taste in music. I love the Dave Matthews Band, at least I did a few years ago. Or figure out what Antifa is if you’re going to accuse me of being a member. It means Anti Fascist, so yes in theory, I support it because I don’t like Fascists. You toss out catchphrases that sound angry and edgy but most of the time, you don’t really understand what you’re saying. 

I miss reading the comic strips in the paper, yes, I’m that old. Instead, I wake up, I smoke a joint and drink my coffee then I sit and chuckle at the incoherent bullshit you morons spew in comments. Hell, I’ve gotten at the least two new memes this week from the screenshots. If anything, thank you for being an endless well of inspiration. 

If you want to fuck with me, if you want to rattle my cage, you gotta do better. I’ve been working in Kitchens for nearly three decades with some of the most foul mouth poets you can’t even fathom. My people have turned talking shit into an art form and I studied under Brown Beard the Butt pirate. It’s not a matter of hurling a bunch of random insults and hoping something might stick, it takes more effort and a level of intelligence that few of you possess. 

The numbers don’t lie… 

While you may be loud and obnoxious, you are pathetically few in number in the big picture. You’re highly vocal in the comment sections but I’m still getting an overwhelmingly positive response from what I publish. Let me make this simple for you, way more people agree with me than they do with you. Huff and puff all you want but you’re the minority now buddy. Everyone else has more or less decided to be cool, except you. 

Waste your time but please don’t ever think that I experience any emotions when dealing with you, other than a petty sense of amusement that I’m not proud of. Who knows, maybe somehow I can light a spark of truth with a few of you but.. Come to the light, we have way better weed. You’re always welcome if you stop being an asshole. 



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