Keeping it classy…Diner for two made easy

Let me be blunt, I am not a good looking guy and half the reason I started taking food seriously was to get laid. All that other shit about the love and the art, that all came later, much later. I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll continue to scream it till the day I die.

Food and Sex are the only two things that engage all six senses simultaneously.  

Music, painting, every other art has its limitations but not food. When you take a bite out of something truly amazing, every single one of your senses opens up to take in the experience. You can’t smell or taste music (unless you’re really high) and you can’t hear a painting no matter how much emotion the artist put into it.

Food has no limitations.

Any guy with cash can take a chick out to a nice place and buy her dinner but it takes skill to be able to take her home and cook. This is the difference between the Men and these hipster fuckboys I see in Belltown. The clothes, the car, even having a huge cock, none of that matters if you don’t have real passion. It’s all show and no real substance.

I recently did a poll asking the fine women who read this site if they rather a guy be hung or know how to cook. They made it loud and clear that they rather have a guy who can cook. It was a two to one win and this doesn’t surprise me at all.

Now keep in mind I’m not really talking about what I do in a restaurant Kitchen. In that situation, consistency is more of a priority and I really don’t get to get my groove on unless I’m working on specials. I’m talking about when I get to smoke a phatty, put on some music and not worry about how much I’m spending at the farmers market. I listen to the food, I open myself up to the vibe. When I do this the meal turns out way better than anything I could have come up with on my own.

Are you taking notes? You really should be taking notes

What you cook is irrelevant, it’s how you do it that matters. I know it sounds like some positive affirmation meme bullshit but really, do you think think I’m the kind of guy to be blowing smoke up your ass over something like this. I’m trying to help you folks out. I want to see the world eating great food and having mind blowing sex daily, not just on Valentines day.

Anyways, how you cook it makes a world of difference. It’s all about attention and love. It’s something that you can’t taste, you can’t see it, but you can feel it, even if you’re not fully aware of something. There are a lot of guys out their putting out some beautiful plates but they fall short since it’s all ego and no heart. It’s all for show but there’s really no substance in the dish, no warmth.

Think about great sex. Most of the time it’s not planned, it’s primal. You lose yourself completely in the experience, time ceases and all that fun shit. All of your senses are fully engaged and in sync with the experience. You’re fully aware of everything.

Food should be prepared in the same manner.

Listen, I’ve done a lot of drugs, a lot. I can tell you this, nothing, no high that I have ever found comes close to seeing the primal reaction of a beautiful woman when a plate that I made with my hands and my heart hits her senses. It doesn’t matter what she thinks of me, the food creates a connection and a response. She might be way out of my league but the food creates a level playing field. Really, in a lot of ways it’s better than sleeping with them since I know that I’ve satisfied them in a way very few men can and it’s a lot less complicated than having to take the time to remember their name and feign interest. It’s all the fun of being a slut without the hassle and it really doesn’t count as cheating. The best part is that, if I do my job, they come back and bring their friends.

So what do you need to know about setting up a romantic dinner?

It’s easy, you need to ask questions and fucking listen. Listen to what your partner is really saying, not what you want to hear. You might have all these great ideas but trust me, the more you really know, the better. It would be total bullshit if I was to say “Make this dish or put on this kind of music and have a certain number of specific flower facing northeast.” Anyone who gives advice like that is full of shit and you’re an idiot if you listen to it.

Keep things simple. Romance is not hard, over planning will cause nothing but headaches. Making sure that your bathroom is clean is a hell of a lot more important than spending 6 hours making the perfect playlist.

If you’re cooking, prep as much as possible ahead of time so that you can focus on them and not be stressing about dinner. Don’t go overboard and make a bunch of shit you’ve never tried, it’s better in this case to stick with what you know and bring your A game to the dish. I’m not saying to not get creative, I’m saying that it’s best to stay within familiar territory.

Get out of your own head

You dig her, she digs you, you’ve been flirting back and forth and your mind is racing. Let me break it down for you, it’s all chemical and none of the situations that are playing in your head will ever play out that way in real life. You’re stressing and it’s natural and it’s also pointless. Chemistry is a funny thing with people and you either have it or you don’t. If you don’t, don’t push it, it never goes well. If it’s there, it’s awesome and you figure out a way to make it work. Either way, wasting time and energy stressing about it the week prior is only going to throw you off balance and make you look like an idiot. Relax and focus on having your shit together and not trying to impress. If you’re trying to sound witty, you really sound like an ass. Smoke a joint, go clean your bathroom again (trust me) and let Al Green do the work.

And for the record, while I might use certain pronouns, we all all about equality here so whatever flavor you’re into, let your freak flag fly and as always….

For those of you still in need of inspiration…

Cook Like You Fuck.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *