Yeah, so I expect to catch hell for this but whatever, I’m basing this on my experiences over the years. No, I do not claim to be any kind of high and mighty end all King of Kink or anything special but if you’re new to this, hopefully this will help separate the posers from the pros and keep you safe.
They don’t like being questioned.
Okay bullshit, there’s play and there’s the real world. If you’re new, you should be asking lots of questions and a real Dom will answer. During play it’s different but when you’re emailing and establishing boundaries, you have every right to question what’s happening and why and a real Dom will help provide answers and resources and not tell you “Because I’m the Dom! How dare you question me?”.
They’re demanding right off the bat.
They say they’re a Dom and because of that, if you’re a sub, you should bow without question. Bullshit, real submission is earned, it is a choice the sub makes out of free will. It’s not taken by force, threats or demands. You should be eager to give your submission, not pressured to.
They don’t care about you, your needs or desires.
It doesn’t matter what your limits are, fuck you, you’re just a sub. They’re the Dom and it all about them and what they want. Bullshit. A real Dom pays attention and respects his sub, they know that in order to be able to push the sub, the sub has to trust that their limits won’t be violated.
They use manipulation to control.
Don’t do what they say when they say it, you’re not a real sub, you’re just a worthless whore. Nope, a real Dom respects the ebb and flow of the relationship. They know playtime is playtime and that people have lives outside of kink. That people have bad days and change plans at the last second and that very rarely is the dynamic a full time 24/7 thing. Hell, even I don’t have time for that.
The almighty cock shot.
If their profile pic is a dick pic, don’t waste your time. Seriously, maybe they’re out there but in my years of kink and reading messages sent to my subs, I’ve never known of a guy I considered to be a real Dom who did this. Real Doms tend to be a bit more reserved and classy.
Let’s not forget the cut and paste message
No subject, no substance, no real point other than to tell you exactly what they’re going to do to you regardless of how you feel because again, you’re a sub. Sometimes they’re nice and sweet, but only until you reject them. Nope, a real Dom is going to put in at least a little bit of time and effort and will often ask a lot of questions to see if you’re a good fit. They’re not doing this to get laid, they don’t need to. They’re picky about who they play with since they know their time is valuable.
Play is different, but still consensual.
What people do is their business and there’s a whole lot of stuff I’m personally not into but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. As long as it’s consensual and doesn’t involve kids or animals, it’s fair game. But these things need to be discussed openly prior to play so that everyone is clear on the dynamics and agrees to it. Even during play, the Dom will always be paying attention to the sub and is aware of the threshold.
One of the best compliments I’ve gotten from my partners is that I knew when to hold it. Right when they thought they’d have to use the safe word, they didn’t since I instinctively knew because I was paying attention. It’s the same way a couch knows how to push an athlete past what they thought they were capable of, without hurting them. Make sense?
What about the sadists and bulls?
Those guys tend to be demanding and arrogant but some people are really into that and that’s fine. As long as it’s still consensual. If not, then the person is just an asshole with no respect for others and I don’t waste my time. Just because someone claims a title doesn’t mean that you owe them respect or your time.
Trust your gut
If something doesn’t feel right, listen to it. If you don’t feel safe, leave. Just because you made plans and everything looks perfect on paper and you’ve agreed to X Y and Z, you still have every right to revoke consent and stop play at any point. If the Dom doesn’t respect this leave. A real Dom will take no offense and be willing to talk about it when you’re ready.
Sadly there are a ton of abusive assholes here who don’t care and who are so sad and lonely that harassing people is the only bit of attention they get since negative attention is better than none. Don’t waste your time, don’t feed em, don’t respond. Just block the vermin and eventually they will run out of steam or jerk themselves off into a heart attack.